Episode Eight: The Loneliness of Becoming Different

Healing changes more than the relationship we have with ourselves.

It changes the relationship we have with our lives, our priorities, our conversations, our boundaries, and sometimes even the people we've loved for years.

We often hear people talk about the freedom that comes with healing. We hear about finding peace, becoming more authentic, and learning to love ourselves. Those parts are real. But there is another side of transformation that doesn't get nearly enough attention.

Sometimes healing is lonely.

Not because you've done something wrong.

Not because you've become better than anyone else.

But because becoming more yourself naturally changes the world around you.

In Episode 8 of Becoming the Sanctuary, Kelley explores one of the quietest and most misunderstood parts of personal growth: what happens when your external world begins responding to your internal changes.

Throughout the first seven episodes of this season, the conversations have focused primarily on what happens within us. We've explored survival mode, emotional disappearing, nervous system regulation, learning to rest, recognizing the ways we outrun ourselves, and understanding why healing was never meant to become another form of self-punishment.

But healing doesn't stay contained inside of us.

Eventually it reaches every relationship we have.

It changes how we communicate.

It changes what we tolerate.

It changes what we value.

It changes how we spend our time.

It changes the conversations we enjoy.

It changes the dreams we're willing to pursue.

And as those internal shifts begin taking shape, our external lives often begin changing alongside them.

That transition can feel incredibly lonely.

One of the central ideas explored throughout this episode is that growth naturally changes relationship dynamics. It isn't always dramatic. Sometimes there isn't a major conflict or a single defining moment. Sometimes two people simply begin growing in different directions.

Conversations that once felt effortless begin feeling forced.

Shared interests slowly fade.

Priorities evolve.

Worldviews expand.

What once felt deeply aligned no longer feels quite the same.

That doesn't automatically make anyone right or wrong.

It simply makes them different.

Kelley reflects on how many people experience guilt when this begins happening. We often assume that if a relationship changes, someone must be at fault. We wonder if we're being selfish. We question whether we're asking for too much. We try to hold on because we don't want to hurt people we genuinely care about.

But sometimes growth asks us to acknowledge something much more complicated.

Love and alignment are not always the same thing.

You can deeply love someone and still realize you're no longer walking the same path.

You can appreciate everything a relationship gave you while also recognizing that it may no longer fit the person you're becoming.

Those realities can exist together.

Another important theme throughout this conversation is the idea that grief isn't limited to death.

We can grieve friendships.

We can grieve careers.

We can grieve family dynamics.

We can grieve routines.

We can grieve communities.

We can grieve dreams we once believed would define our lives.

We can even grieve older versions of ourselves.

That kind of grief is rarely acknowledged because nothing tangible has necessarily been lost. The people may still be alive. The places still exist. The memories remain. Yet something has undeniably changed, and that change deserves to be honored rather than ignored.

Kelley also reflects on her own experiences throughout recovery, leaving the career she once imagined she'd retire from, building Thrivewell Hub, stepping into entrepreneurship, and realizing that every major chapter of growth required saying goodbye to a version of herself that had once felt familiar.

One of the hardest parts wasn't making those decisions.

It was allowing herself to grieve them.

Because we often assume that if we're excited about what's next, we shouldn't feel sad about what we're leaving behind.

But human beings rarely experience emotions one at a time.

Joy and grief often arrive together.

Hope and uncertainty often coexist.

Excitement and fear often travel side by side.

Learning to make space for those emotional contradictions is part of becoming emotionally mature.

This episode also explores the uncomfortable reality of being misunderstood.

One of the most common phrases people hear when they begin changing is, "You've changed."

Sometimes those words are offered as an observation.

Sometimes they're offered as criticism.

Sometimes they're spoken with disappointment.

And sometimes they're an attempt, whether intentional or not, to pull someone back into the version of themselves that felt more familiar.

Growth often disrupts expectations.

When one person begins setting boundaries, the people who benefited from the absence of those boundaries may not immediately understand.

When someone begins choosing peace over chaos, the people who are comfortable in chaos may interpret that choice differently.

When someone begins prioritizing authenticity over approval, those who expected constant agreement may struggle to adjust.

None of those responses automatically mean someone is a bad person.

They simply remind us that change affects everyone connected to us.

Throughout the episode, Kelley invites listeners to consider another perspective.

Perhaps one of the greatest signs of healing is becoming willing to let people have their own opinions about your life without feeling responsible for changing them.

That doesn't mean becoming defensive.

It doesn't mean becoming emotionally distant.

It simply means recognizing that understanding cannot be forced.

There comes a point where explaining every decision becomes exhausting.

Healing often asks us to become comfortable with being misunderstood by people who only knew earlier versions of us.

That can be one of the loneliest parts of growth.

But it can also become one of the most freeing.

The conversation also explores the unique experience of living between identities.

Many people spend months or even years in a space where the old version of life no longer feels like home, but the new version hasn't fully arrived yet.

Old relationships may no longer fit.

New relationships haven't fully formed.

Old routines have disappeared.

New rhythms are still developing.

Old identities no longer feel authentic.

New confidence hasn't fully settled in.

It can feel like standing in the hallway between two chapters of life.

That hallway often feels uncertain.

It often feels lonely.

But it is also where some of the deepest transformation takes place.

Rather than rushing through that space, Kelley encourages listeners to see it as an important part of becoming.

This episode also reflects on the importance of aligned community.

As some relationships naturally evolve, others begin to appear.

Healing has a way of introducing us to people who recognize the version of ourselves we're growing into rather than the version we've outgrown.

Those relationships often feel different.

There is less performance.

Less proving.

Less pretending.

More honesty.

More curiosity.

More mutual respect.

More room to grow.

For Kelley, that vision sits at the heart of Thrivewell itself.

Creating spaces where people don't have to perform.

Creating spaces where people don't have to explain why they're changing.

Creating spaces where people feel safe enough to become themselves without fear of judgment.

At its core, The Loneliness of Becoming Different is a conversation about honoring every chapter that brought us here while still giving ourselves permission to continue growing.

It is about recognizing that becoming more authentic may also mean becoming less familiar to the people who only knew earlier versions of us.

It is about understanding that grief is not always a sign something has gone wrong.

Sometimes grief is simply evidence that something meaningful mattered.

And it is about trusting that while healing may temporarily feel lonely, authenticity has a remarkable way of leading us toward the people, places, and communities where we no longer have to shrink ourselves in order to belong.

If you've ever felt like you've outgrown parts of your life, struggled with changing friendships, questioned your identity during a season of growth, or wondered whether you're the only one experiencing this quiet loneliness, this conversation is for you.

Because becoming different isn't about leaving people behind.

It's about finally allowing yourself to move forward.

And the people who are meant to walk beside you won't ask you to become someone smaller just so they can feel more comfortable.

They'll make room for who you're becoming.

#BecomingTheSanctuary #ThrivewellEstate #HealingJourney #Authenticity #PersonalGrowth #Transformation #EmotionalHealing #SelfDiscovery #Community #InnerWork #HealingPodcast #MentalWellness #RecoveryJourney #Mindfulness #BecomingYourself

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hello everyone, and welcome back to Becoming the Sanctuary. If this is your first time here, my name is Kelly, founder of ThriveWell the State and ThriveWell Hub, our first physical branch here in Whitensville, Massachusetts. And this podcast is a space where we explore healing, embodiment, emotional awareness, nervous system regulation, creativity, human connection, and what it actually means to return to yourself while still living inside a very overwhelming world. Now, over the last seven episodes, we've spent a lot of time talking about what happens inside of us. We've talked about survival, we've talked about emotional disappearing, we've talked about nervous systems that don't trust peace yet. And we've talked about learning to rest, stopping the constant running, and recognizing that healing was never meant to become another way of punishing ourselves. But something happens after all of that inner work that I don't think people talk about enough. Your external world starts changing too. And this isn't because you're trying to leave people behind or because you suddenly think you're better than anyone else, but because when you change, your relationships change. The conversations change, the expectations change. Sometimes the people around you change, and sometimes they don't. And I think one of the loneliest parts of healing isn't facing yourself. It's realizing that not everyone is going to understand the person you're becoming. And there can be grief in that. Grief for old friendships, grief for old versions of yourself, grief for relationships that no longer fit the life you're trying to build. And what's difficult is that no one really prepares us for this part. We're told healing will help us feel better. We're told personal growth will change our lives. But we don't often talk about the relationships, identities, and communities that may shift alongside us. So today's episode is all about the lonely chapter. The loneliness of becoming different, the grief that can accompany growth, and why outgrowing people doesn't always mean you've stopped loving them. All right, so let's get into this. The lonely chapter. And two, um, that it's also necessary. So as we start diving into this, um, let's talk about first how much that growth changes relationships, right? Because if you think about yourself now, whether you're 10 years into your healing journey, five, or this is your first day, this is the first day that you've woken up and say, I want to start facing some stuff, I want to start changing my life and changing, you know, going back to my true self. And and what is that, what does that look like? And how does that start changing? And I will tell you, for me personally, when I started growing um and starting on this journey, it started changing relationships pretty quickly. Um, and for the most part, that was really, really helpful because you have to understand that when you are going through, when you're starting to heal and going through this journey, it really starts to change the dynamic, right? So for me, um, the people who really did not like that I was going on a healing journey was the the narcissist in my life. Um, and whether they were they were a true narcissist or they had narcissistic tendencies, they did not like the new dynamic. Um so sometimes it it changes the dynamic in a relationship for the better, right? And it starts changing the conversations, it starts changing your priorities and your interests. So, you know, a big part of when I got sober, a lot of times, you know, people would kind of make the assumption that the people that I had met during my partying years or um, you know, the friends that I drank with a lot, that those people would only be able to relate to the old version of you. And some of them did, but those were a lot of surface level friends. Um, I can tell you honestly that I have a core group of friends that I met while working at a restaurant, and this is going on um, you know, probably was almost 20 years ago now that I've been I've been friends with this group of people. And I will tell you, people will surprise you. Not only that, but trust the relationship that you have with certain people. Don't just automatically assume I know these people, I'm gonna have to leave them behind, because those people are now even deeper and closer friends of mine. Um, because our relationship was not based on drinking. We all just kind of met at this time where where drinking was what we did and we partied and and we partied hard. Um, but we've all grown up and and started to make the changes that we need to, and and you start to have um, you know, new interests. And and it doesn't mean that they don't drink anymore. It just means that it's not the commonality between our friendship and it and it honestly it never was, it just could appear that way from the outside. Um, but also, I mean, the flip side of that, you could you could think that people that you have a deeper connection with, um, and suddenly because you're not out doing the same things and and relating over the same things that you used to, that you'll start to slowly distance yourself from those people. Um, so just trust that, you know, just trust the process, to be honest. Ugh, I can't believe I just said that. That was something at the beginning of my healing journey that I couldn't stand. Um, and most of the time when you're starting this journey, the things that that affect you the most like that are because they are the most true. So we start to really feel um misunderstood, right? Uh, because we are becoming someone unfamiliar to ourselves and our identity will will begin to shift. And growth, like like we talk about, it will just naturally change relationships. And think about your own experiences as you're sitting here listening to this right now. Like I said, no matter where you are on your healing journey, think about the moments where the people who surprised you, um, the people who faded away, the people, boundaries, right? Let's just talk about that for a minute. That's such a huge part of the healing journey. And boundaries, it's so weird to say this out loud, but I actually have come to love boundaries. Because if you want to know who's in your corner or not, that's an automatic, that's a red light, green light, right? So you put a boundary on somebody who's in your corner for the right reasons. Now remember, it doesn't mean they're gonna agree with the boundary all the time, but they will respect it, right? So if you set a boundary and they respect that boundary and they honor that boundary and they don't have to make you reinforce it constantly, that's somebody who's in your corner. Somebody who shits all over that boundary and doesn't care and thinks, you know, thinks differently of you or on, you know, says unkind things to you, that's somebody who's not in your corner. So as you grow, naturally boundaries are a big part of healing and you will start practicing them more. So look, pay attention to the relationships that start to have more tension with those boundaries because when you are on this journey, you are doing things for the right reason. So it's not like you're setting unrealistic boundaries or you're trying to shut them out or anything like that. There is a solid reason um why you are setting that boundary. And boundaries, honestly, it's it's what gives somebody the roadmap um to how to have a relationship with you and vice versa, right? You want to make sure that you are respecting other people's boundaries. So um, but yeah, I think when we start to see those relationships changing, um, and like I said, it it does not take long at all. Um, you're really gonna start, there's only one way to really put this, you're gonna start grieving people who are still alive. Um, they are still very much here, but you are no longer the version of yourself that could either put themselves in situations that that person wants you to be in, or the feelings, or how you how, you know, is this a type of relationship that you just give and give and give and that other person just takes and takes and takes? Um, or you know, is it is it a a relationship that has that equal balance? Um, not saying it has to be equal 100% of the time, but do you show up for that person the same way that they show up for you? Um so yeah, you really you start to there's a lot of grieving. There's grieving friendships, there's grieving five family dynamics, um, you can grieve old routines, shared identities, right? A lot of we can hear a phrase um called trauma bonding, you know, and is that something that that is keeping you connected, um, but it's also keeping you stuck. So it it's I just like I I'm I'm tripping up on my words a little bit because the lonely chapter is I've learned to those are some of the moments I actually have some of my biggest expansions, but the grief of it, oh, it's tough. It's tough to look back on. Um because you start to really miss people, um, but you know that you've changed. And you know that certain people that have kind of had to be removed from your life, whether that's your own doing or you just drift apart or or the universe does that for you, um, both things can be true. You can miss people, um, but also know you can't really, you can't go back. Um so because a lot of times with those people who who are in our lives, you know, that's that's a lot of love without alignment, right? Like it's that relationship is not aligning with where you are and where you're headed and what you're trying to do. And the emotional complexity that comes with all of these feelings that I've even just described so far. Be kind to yourself, show yourself grace. The lonely chapter is one of the hardest chapters in healing, in my opinion, because it has been the one thing in my life that has pushed me closest enough to going back to that unhealed version of myself. And and a lot of times it's because I'm romanticizing what I had before. Because the unknown and healing is hard. Um, going backwards to old habits and old, you know, people in our lives that that suited us at a certain season in our life, going back to that can be easier in the moment. And but you know, temporary is only is exactly that. It's temporary. You want to start feeling better, um, not permanently, right? Because emotions are never permanent, but we want to start feeling better more often than we feel worse. So to be able to do that, um, we want to really try and work through letting go, right? Letting go without resentment. Um, you know, I think I think there was it was Bilbert was a comedian. And what he was referring to was more talking about him letting go of his his religion, right? He didn't agree with the with the certain religion that he was in anymore. And what he compared it to is, and of course, as soon as I mention it, I'm drawing a blank on the name. It's that winter sport, is it curling? Is that it? I'm sure, I'm sure I'll look this up afterwards and make some sort of comment in the next episode. But it's that one where they have the broom and it's like that disc and they kind of push it and push it and push it, and then finally they just kind of let it go and they let it cruise, and it just there's no big like explosion, there's no um, it just drifts off, right? And I think that's a really good analogy for this as well, because it's not like you're telling the person to go F themselves or I mean maybe you are, but for the most part, it's it's mostly um you're just kind of letting them go. And the without the resentment is important, and I'm sure we will have an entire separate episode just on resentments alone. And if you are in um the recovery community from substance abuse, um, whether that's AA, NA, smart recovery, refuge recovery, whichever whatever pathway you've taken, you understand how important resentment work is. Um, and I will do an entire episode because letting go with resentment, resentment and healing do not go hand in hand. We have to let go of the resentments that we hold on to for the healing process and the healing journey to continue. So most of the time when somebody is not here anymore because there was a death, that's grief that's painful as all hell, but understandable, right? Um, but grief of a person or a relationship that's still here on this planet, um, it's understanding how to honor what all these relationships once gave you. You know, my mom will remind me, um, it feels like almost daily at times, that people come into your life for a reason or a season. And every single person who has come into my life, um, whether even the ones that have caused me trauma, um there was a reason. There was a lesson there, there was something to learn. I cannot be who I am today, right? End of June in 2026, without having every interaction and every person that I've met be along my journey at some point. Um, so it's just up to um what that reason or what that season is for how long they will be in our life. So like I said, honoring what each relationship has given us, um, but that does not mean that we need to hold on to that relationship forever. And something I want to add here too is sometimes we can hold on to relationships because of how long somebody has been in their our life. Um, and I can tell you, I have a couple examples that come to mind. Um, one in particular, that I was really holding on to that friendship for a long time because of how much history was there. But when I really started working on my healing journey, I realized how one-sided that friendship was for a very long time. Um, but within that, I still honor the friendship because of what it gave me, what it helped me understand and how to be treated. Um, and really when when a relationship becomes one-sided. So now what, right? So we are grieving all of all of this change um and and missing people understanding um that it's coming from change. But what happens when people don't understand your growth, right? This happened a lot. Again, the example that I have is um when I gave up drinking. There was a lot of people who could treat me, nobody who's in my life right now. So if you're listening, it's nobody who's in my life right now. Um, but I can't tell you how many times I've heard the two words you've changed. You've changed, you're different. Um and I think when you hear that tone of when somebody says it to you, it really shows the intention behind it, right? Like we all know that, oh, you've changed, or look at you, you've changed. Like the supportive versus you think you're better. Um, and so we're gonna talk about that category, right? The the people in our life that think that we have now become a person who thinks they're better than everybody else. And again, I will only speak for me personally, that couldn't be further from the truth. Um, I I don't think that I'm better than anybody else. I think I am on a journey that is mine um and mine alone. And I it is not my place. The more I go down this healing journey, the more I realize that I I do not get to judge anybody because I don't know what is going on with that person. Um, but I'm also not gonna get lost on defending that because I just know. And when people think that I've changed and think I'm better, just means they don't know me at all. So again, curling. Hopefully that's what it's called. Just let it go, let it go without the resentment. Because you will you will get resistance from others, and especially when they start projecting, right? So, and that can come back into the dynamic of the relationship. But let's let's talk about the projection projection first. I do believe um that every person does want to feel better and start some sort of healing journey, but it's a lot of work, so they can project onto you what you're doing is bad, or like we said, you think you're better, because they almost want to downplay the journey in general so that it doesn't feel like something that they have to step up and do themselves. And a lot of times, too, where you have people in your past um or in your current life that really want the old version of you because you were easier to be taken advantage of, right? You were. Easier to manipulate. You were easier to, it was easy to have power over you. Um and again, like we talked about, these people are very, they show their true colors pretty quickly. Um and the discomfort when you set boundaries, that is, I mean, I can't, I can't think of a bigger flag, right? Is when you set boundaries and when they show discomfort. Um, but they they do. They want this, they want this old version of you because they can manipulate you. And the stronger you get, I've seen it happen to people who I care about deeply, that all of a sudden they're starting to have this change in mindset and this change of thinking. And then they're starting to, you know, all the parts of that relationship that they just trusted, right? They're starting to see some red flags and they're starting to dig into it a little bit. And you're gonna see that other person really start to feel cornered a bit, um, becoming very reactionary. And then what do they do? They attack your character, who you are, and what you're doing. Um, so try really throughout this part of the journey, um, because what they're responding to is your healing, right? But really try to stay true to yourself and really remember who's in your corner and who you who you are going forward, right? You are shedding layers and you're working through shadow work and you're you're getting down to the core and you're moving forward, even though sometimes that step, the forward step might be backwards, little or or lateral, you are moving forward. So stay true to yourself and your journey. Um, and what can help with that is needing less external validation. The first couple years of my healing journey, I still really cared about that external validation. And I would say it only would be probably the last year or two. Hmm, let me be honest, the last year, that I've really honestly needed less of that external validation. And it really has skyrocketed my healing um further than you know the the four years combined before it. Because you have to remember that not everyone gets invited into every chapter. Remember what I told you my mom said for a reason or a season. Um so so yeah, I mean, think about your own experiences. My own experiences, sobriety taught me a lot. Um early sobriety and especially, you know, when I when I left um my my last my last job working working where I was in more of a corporate setting. Um I just knew it's nothing bad about that company. I loved where I worked, I loved who I worked for. Um but we our alignment was off. I I think that job came into my life for a season, um, and for a reason, to be honest. It it my resume is is amazing because of that company. Um, they really it really invested in me and in my training. And so leaving there was was difficult. Um, it was a very difficult decision, but I knew I could no longer do my job the way that they needed me to do my job. And also for myself, um staying true to myself. I I need we needed to part ways because I felt enough pulling me to build Thrive Well, um, and my priorities were shifting, you know, and and that's okay. Like I said, curling, right? Like I'm not letting them go with resentment. I still have I hold them to a high regard, and and I am still very grateful and and they're very supportive of what I'm doing. And you know, I I'm long overdue for my thank you card to go to them um somewhere here on my desk. I but it just shows that that shifting the priorities and where my healing journey was taking me, it was okay to let that part go. Um and another part from my own experience, like I've I've briefly touched upon, was is changing friendships and certain people that I have I have let go of just because we don't really have that much in common anymore. Because what can change with that too is your conversations, you know, was are you having somebody in your life that all you talk about is the glory days, right? All back in back in high school we were doing this, or what are your conversations looking like? Because for me personally, now like ooh, give me give me a nice cup of coffee and let's go down that rabbit hole into a really deep conversation about you know history or um or healing or um what else do I love to talk about? I love to talk about the cosmos and what's positive, I mean, possible out there. And you know, give me something like that, but that's not something I would want to be, I mean, I would dabble in it before, but the conversations, that's my point. The conversations are changing. So you're gonna start having people coming into your circle that that also relate to that. My family dynamics changed. I will tell you, in my own nuclear um family, with my mom and my dad and my siblings and and their partners, um, and now my partner, like holy moly, changed so much for the better. Um, and that it's not to say that we weren't in a good place, but we all are very honest with um what we're up against and what we're working through. And when you are on your healing journey, we've talked about it before, the the ripple effect that will start to affect the people around you, you're not as reactionary, right? And they're gonna feel that change, like, oh, Kelly would have gone off the rails here, but she's just listening. So that ripple effect, um, and hopefully it it changes for the better. But you, I've had other family members that I've had to distance myself from because of that exact reason we were talking about before, is suddenly, you know, they've got stuff that they don't want to work on, and they're maybe they're worried that I'll be able to see through it, or you know, they're not being as authentic as as I once believed that they were. So again, it doesn't mean that I love them any less. It just means right now there's a bit of distance. And and that's okay. It's happened with other family members, it's happening with some now, and it will happen with some in the future. But it's important to be able to kind of move with the ebbs and flows of those dynamics, too. Um, and then of course, when you're for me, when I was building something different, right? Thrive well. Oh, I wish I could fully explain how isolating that felt when I was first building it, and nobody really understood what I was building. And to be perfectly honest, I didn't understand what I was building. Um, and I had people who were concerned about me, thinking, you know, that I was going through some sort of midlife crisis, or, you know, am I am I even like with it, like psychologically? Am I am I still here in in this current reality? Or did I get lost in trusting the signs of the universe, right? Because that can happen. Um, but I trusted and I understood that I was exactly where I needed to be. And that became very lonely at times. And I really had to learn to trust my own path, even when it was painful, um, even when it was isolating, even when I didn't believe I could do it anymore. And I just trusted that if I put one foot in front of the other and I kept going, it would start to make sense and I would start to be able to see it a little bit better. And it and it did. Um, and what part of that helps me to still be able to see um that I am on my my own path and I do trust the path that I'm on, is being able to grieve these situations and let these situations go without bitterness. And anybody who knows me very well knows that that's not something that comes naturally. It's actually very difficult for me to grieve without the bitterness. And that's where I start to have understanding that that other person is going through their own um, their own life and their own situations and their own struggles. So that's what helps me. Um, you know, not to get religious or spiritual or anything, but in AA, anybody who's familiar with that, there's something called the sick man's prayer. And that has helped me tenfold. Even before I really understood what I was saying, it's just understanding that that other person is going through their own stuff. And most of the time it is projection and it has so much, we've all heard it. Like it has so much more to say and do with themselves than it does me. And that's what really helped me remove the bitterness um with the grieving itself. Um now let's talk about, because as we've talked about how everything can change and how your relationship can change and your identity and and what you um value, right? The space between who you were and who you're becoming that right there is the lonely chapter, right? Think about the people in your life. Visualize it if you have to, right? You've got this road in between, and you've got a circle of people on your left, and you got a circle of people in your right. And those circle of people on your left, that that's who you were, right? The people that you associated with, hung out with, the events you went to, the things you did. Um, that's who you were. And the circle on your right is who you're becoming. And that road in between, that is the lonely chapter. And oof, my gosh, do I feel every step of that lonely chapter when I'm in it? Um, and it's just you've you've walked away, right? You've let go of that old identity, that old self, that old relationships, right? But you haven't yet found um your new group of people, right? Because as we heal, and I won't go into the science of this because I don't know it, um, but we do know that different energies, different emotions, different mindsets carry different vibrations and frequencies. So the person that I was dating 10 years ago is nothing like the person I am with today. Thank God, right? Because it's I am now a healthier version of myself. I see the life that I want to build with my partner. And but I had to get in the same way he did, we had to get our vibrations up to a certain point to be able to find that alignment. Um, because throughout this lonely chapter, you're going through identity transitions. Um, and the feeling that you have between these different versions of yourself, like it no, not only is it lonely and isolating, it's very confusing. Um, and you're trying to understand the trust of the process, because, like we said, you don't fully fit in that old life anymore, and you're not fully living that new life yet. And there's so much uncertainty that happens in between those two. But the number one thing that helps me too in this part is patience. Patience, trusting the process, and acceptance of this is where I am, what am I meant to learn? Staying true to myself, what do I value? Those people and that life that you're trying to build, they'll start, it'll just start happening. It's not something that you have to consciously build. It will build itself. Because part of trusting the process is you are now rebuilding your identity. What's important to me? What do I want to do? What is my purpose in life? Who do I want to bring with me? And within that, you're allowing the transformation to happen. Now think about your own transitions, right? In your in your own life. Think about the moments where you're like, I know the exact season I was in when this lonely chapter was happening. And when we try to restrict the lonely chapter, right, we talk about in the thrival core philosophy, it's all about leaning into the shadow, leaning into the lesson. Let's just face it. And when you allow this lonely chapter to happen, and you're allowing this transformation to happen, every single lonely chapter that I have experienced, I never regret it. Um it's actually the exact opposite. I'm actually extremely grateful for that lonely chapter. Because what it leads into is you finding your people. You're finding those aligned relationships. The the friendships that I have now found while building Thrive Well, and that's been the biggest part of my healing journey. Um, and trust me, we've our friendships have already been tested to see who truly is in your corner and and who is somebody else who came in and trying to take advantage of a situation or manipulate a situation. This can happen time and time again. So when you find your people, it's just gonna start naturally building. Because now it's not about how do I get the most amount of people in my life, right? Because we've we've survived this lonely chapter. We know we we're okay, right? Because remember, what we talk about too is our body is our own altar. We we are safe enough to change. It's okay if everything is stripped away and we are left with just us. Because now when we are are rebuilding and we've allowed that transformation to happen and we're finding our people, it is so quality over quantity. I would rather have a couple of good friends and really good friends who I know are there for me than have all these people on all around me and I don't know who I can trust. Because having community is having that support that you don't have to question. Um and it's like I said, it I really have started building um that community for myself and as a whole with the Thrival Hub Vision because I wanted people when they walked through that door, a sense of belonging, right? And I'm gonna quote one of my favorites, um Brene Brown. If you haven't heard her explain this, and I hope I do it justice, I mean I've watched the video about a hundred times, so I should, but it she explains the difference of belonging and fitting in. Um, and when we fit in somewhere versus belonging, um, when we fit in, it's when we're changing ourselves and we're morphing ourselves, and we are we are taking our our body and our spirit and we're putting it into this box that it needs to be in to be able to fit in to that community, to that relationship, to that job, to whatever that is. But belonging is when you show up as your true self and it just works, you just belong, and you're understood and you're seen, and there's this unconditional love and support that will surround you, and those are your people. Those when you have that authentic connection with people, and it's relationships that reciprocate, right? Like we talk, you show up for the people who show up for you. It is going to be mind-blowing to you the amount of things that you tolerated for as long as you did. But remember, no regrets, reason or a season. People are there to teach us something or to show us something. So it's it's what we we continue our learning um how to be our truest self, truest self. Um, but don't let regret come with that. And like I said, we talk about the vibration and just who we are and the light that we start to give out. We're we're allowing people to find us, right? We're not we're not staying isolated. And we want to then, you know, kind of continue to create spaces where people feel seen as well. Because once we start feeling that um and we find the people that make us feel that way, we want to start creating that for other people. So again, ripple effect, ripple effect, ripple effect, ripple effect. The more that we all do this and the more that we take this journey, um, the better off it is, again, not to get this dramatic, but for humanity. Um, but yeah, so I would say part of it too is letting people have their version of you. Um you don't need to have everyone understand you. You know that saying you're not everybody's cup of tea. That's fine. You don't need to be. I know I'm not. I'm not everybody's cup of tea, but I don't need to be. I just need the people who I'm who are supposed to be my circle, I'm meant to have in my life, they're the ones who I will be their cup of tea. And I feel like I'm I'm this, you know, my boyfriend got me this um set of tea, different tea flavors and everything, and it's amazing because it looks like different books, and and I think there's I mean, it doesn't really matter how many, 20. No, no, no, doesn't matter. Um, 14, 20, somewhere around there. I'm not gonna counting right now from from this angle. But different teas. And the people who are in my circle and love me and my partner especially, like, I'm a different tea every day. And and I always say it keeps him on his toes, but that's okay. Like, I'm I'm I'm perfect just the way I'm perfectly imperfect, right? And and I'm all these different versions, but I'm still Kelly and I'm still me, and that's what makes me um makes me unique. And and we all have that ability, but I don't need to make myself one of those T's on a specific day for for somebody who doesn't want the other versions. Um, so you just let people misunderstand you. You we do not need to explain ourselves. Release that, release the need to explain yourself and and create a practice that helps you, whether that be we have a community release bowl here, whether that be that you are literally releasing it somehow and and trusting that you can, because like you said, not everybody needs to understand you. Another thing that you can do is stop defending every decision. Not everybody needs an explanation. If you make a decision on something, it could be that nobody needs, you don't need to defend that decision to anybody because remember, we're trusting our values and we are trusting our emotional maturity that we understand that we have the right motivation and the right intention for this decision with with all the information that we have at hand. The goal is you want peace over approval. Because if we try to just seek approval, I mean, that's again, we're just chasing that validation. It's external, it's not coming from within. And the best advice I can give you is, and I'm sure I've talked about it before, but I'm just kind of drawing a blank, is I've gotten very comfortable doing the uncomfortable work. And if you become comfortable with disappointing people and start living authentically, and you're not disappointing them because you have done something off of your moral compass, you're disappointing them because you no longer fit into the box that they wanted you to be in. And I think on that note, we'll definitely start moving into, and I knew this episode was gonna fly by because it's just such an important episode and it's such an important season in your life. Because remember, the deeper realization of this whole episode is that growth creates grief, and grief creates space, and space creates possibility. Um, and becoming different, it's not betrayal. You want to always try to honor your past and honor your future. Allow the relationships in your life to evolve. You this journey to becoming your authentic self, it the healing part of that, it changes every relationship. And that includes the one with yourself. And yeah, I mean, it's okay if your circle changes. It's okay if your life looks different. It is okay if not everyone understands. You do not have to shrink to make others comfortable and trust the people you're becoming and trust the life that you're building. And every single day, very intentionally, keep choosing authenticity. Because one of the hardest parts of healing is realizing that becoming more yourself may mean becoming less familiar to other people. That isn't failure, it's transformation. And the people who are meant to walk beside you won't ask you to become someone smaller just so they can feel more comfortable. Well, on that note, um, we are about 45 minutes in on this episode, so I think I'm gonna leave it at that. And thank you immensely. I am so grateful to be able to show up for this podcast every week, and I'm really, really grateful um for the people that are listening, and I really hope this helps. If you can help um others and you think it will help them, please share. Um, please, you know, talk about the podcast and help it get out there for others because if this can just help, you know, one person per episode that it changes their life, it's worth it to me to sit down um and do this. So thank you again so much for joining me on Becoming the Sanctuary. Um, and I will see you next Friday.