Episode Ten: Why Boundaries Feel So Uncomfortable

If there's one word that seems to make people immediately uncomfortable, it's boundaries.

For some, boundaries feel selfish. For others, they feel harsh, confrontational, or even unloving. Many of us know we need them, yet the moment we try to set one, guilt quickly follows. We begin questioning ourselves. Are we being unreasonable? Are we letting someone down? Are we creating distance where we should be creating connection?

In this episode of Becoming the Sanctuary, Kelley explores why boundaries feel so emotionally complicated and why learning to protect your peace is one of the most important parts of any healing journey.

This conversation naturally follows last week's episode on freedom. Because discovering who you are is only the beginning. Once you begin changing, growing, and becoming more aligned with yourself, a new challenge emerges: protecting the person you're becoming.

Throughout the first season of the podcast, we've talked about surviving, learning to stay present, regulating the nervous system, allowing ourselves to rest, slowing down, practicing self-compassion, navigating loneliness during transformation, and asking bigger questions about what it means to be human. Boundaries are the natural next step in that journey. Growth without protection rarely lasts. The healthiest parts of our lives require care, intention, and sometimes the courage to disappoint others in order to remain true to ourselves.

One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they're designed to keep people out.

This episode offers a different perspective.

What if boundaries aren't walls?

What if they're fences around something that's still growing?

When someone plants a young tree, they don't build a fence because the tree is weak or because they dislike the people walking past it. They build the fence because they understand something valuable is developing, and growth deserves protection. In many ways, boundaries serve the same purpose. They're less about rejecting others and more about creating the conditions necessary for your own growth.

Kelley also explores one of the patterns so many people quietly carry: people pleasing. At first glance, people pleasing often looks like kindness. It looks generous. Helpful. Selfless. Reliable. But underneath that behavior is often something much deeper.

A fear of disappointing people.

A fear of conflict.

A fear of rejection.

A fear of being misunderstood.

Sometimes we aren't saying yes because we genuinely want to. Sometimes we're saying yes because saying no feels unbearable. The problem is that every unnecessary yes eventually becomes a no to something else.

A no to your own peace.

A no to your own health.

A no to your own creativity.

A no to the life you're trying to build.

Over time, those small compromises begin to shape our identity, until we become someone who instinctively prioritizes everyone else's needs before ever asking ourselves what we actually need.

The conversation then shifts toward something that often gets overlooked whenever boundaries are discussed.

Boundaries with ourselves.

Many of the most important boundaries we'll ever establish are completely invisible to everyone else.

No one sees the moment you decide to stop checking your email before bed.

No one notices when you choose sleep instead of another hour of scrolling.

No one applauds when you decide to keep the promise you made to yourself instead of abandoning it halfway through.

No one hands you an award for honoring your values when it would have been easier to follow the crowd.

These boundaries don't create applause.

They create integrity.

Because every promise we consistently break with ourselves quietly teaches us that our own word can't be trusted.

Likewise, every promise we choose to honor slowly rebuilds that trust.

Self-discipline isn't about punishment.

It's about becoming someone you can rely on.

Another important theme throughout this episode is emotional responsibility.

Many of us unknowingly carry the belief that we're responsible for everyone else's feelings. We feel obligated to fix problems that aren't ours to solve. We absorb the emotions of those around us. We apologize for having needs. We overexplain our decisions in hopes that no one will be upset with us.

But somewhere along the way, compassion became confused with responsibility.

The truth is that you can deeply love someone without carrying everything they're carrying.

You can support someone without rescuing them.

You can disagree with someone while still respecting them.

You can allow someone to experience disappointment without believing you've failed them.

Sometimes the most compassionate thing we can do is allow people the dignity of navigating their own emotions rather than trying to manage them for them.

This episode also introduces the Protect Pillar, one of the Five Pillars of Return within the Thrivewell Core Philosophy.

Protection isn't about living in fear.

It's about stewardship.

We protect our peace because peace allows us to think clearly.

We protect our energy because energy fuels meaningful work.

We protect our attention because where our attention goes, our lives eventually follow.

We protect our nervous system because a regulated body allows us to respond instead of simply react.

We protect our creativity because imagination cannot flourish inside constant overwhelm.

And perhaps most importantly, we protect our future selves through the choices we make today.

As Kelley reflects on her own journey of recovery, entrepreneurship, opening Thrivewell Hub, writing a book, starting a podcast, and building a life aligned with her values, she shares how boundaries slowly transformed from something she feared into something she deeply appreciated. They stopped feeling like rejection and began feeling like clarity. They stopped feeling like conflict and started feeling like honesty.

That doesn't mean boundaries suddenly become easy.

In fact, one of the clearest signs you're growing is that not everyone will celebrate your growth.

People who benefited from the old version of you may struggle with the new one.

Relationships sometimes shift.

Expectations change.

Misunderstandings happen.

But other people's discomfort doesn't automatically mean your boundary is wrong.

Sometimes your growth simply requires people around you to adjust.

One of the most powerful questions explored in this episode is this:

What are you saying yes to?

Because every yes requires time.

Every yes requires energy.

Every yes requires attention.

Those resources are finite.

Choosing intentionally isn't selfish.

It's responsible.

Throughout the conversation, listeners are encouraged to rethink the purpose of boundaries altogether.

Perhaps boundaries aren't restrictions.

Perhaps they're invitations.

Invitations to become someone who honors their own values.

Someone who protects what matters most.

Someone who chooses peace without needing permission.

Someone who no longer confuses exhaustion with worthiness.

Someone who understands that saying no to one thing often means saying yes to something far more important.

By the end of the episode, the conversation returns to one simple but profound realization.

Boundaries are not walls built to keep people out.

They're promises we make to protect what's growing within us.

Some people will understand those promises.

Others won't.

Neither response changes their importance.

Because every time you choose your values over people pleasing, every time you keep a promise to yourself, every time you honor your peace instead of abandoning it for someone else's approval, you're quietly becoming the person you've been working so hard to become.

Healing isn't simply about discovering yourself.

It's about protecting yourself.

It's about trusting yourself.

And ultimately, it's about creating a life where the healthiest parts of you have the space to continue growing.

Thank you for listening to Becoming the Sanctuary. If this episode resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who may need permission to choose themselves today. These conversations grow because you choose to pass them along, and together we're building a community centered around curiosity, compassion, intentional living, and the ongoing practice of returning home to ourselves.

#BecomingTheSanctuary #ThrivewellEstate #Boundaries #PeoplePleasing #ProtectYourPeace #SelfRespect #HealingJourney #PersonalGrowth #MentalWellness #EmotionalHealth #Mindfulness #SelfDiscovery #Growth #Wellness #Podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:08

Hi everybody, and welcome back to Becoming the Sanctuary. If this is your first time here, my name is Kelly, founder of ThriveWell Estate, and our first physical branch, ThriveWell Hub. This podcast is a space where we explore healing, embodiment, emotional awareness, creativity, human connection, and what it actually means to return to yourself while still living inside a very overwhelming world. Last week was a bit of a special episode as we were coming up on the 4th of July. We talked about freedom. Not freedom as politics, but freedom as a way of living. We explored the idea that perhaps every generation inherits unfinished work, and that maybe our generation's work isn't simply building better technology or moving faster. Maybe it's becoming more compassionate, more curious, and more human than we were yesterday. As I reflected on that conversation, I realized something. Freedom isn't just about discovering who you are. It's also about protecting who you're becoming. Because here's what I've noticed in my own life. The more I started healing, the more I started changing. And the more I changed, the more certain relationships began to shift. The more I became clear on what mattered to me, the harder it became to keep saying yes to the things that no longer aligned. And that sounds empowering, doesn't it? Until you actually have to do it. Because suddenly you're disappointing people. You're saying no when you used to say yes. You're choosing yourself in situations where you've spent years choosing everyone else. And that's uncomfortable. How many of my people pleasers are out there? Because I know I'm one of them. And I think one of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they're about keeping other people out. But I don't think that's what boundaries are at all. I think boundaries are how we protect what's trying to grow inside of us. They're less like walls and more like the fence you build around a young tree. Not because the tree is weak, but because it's becoming. Something else I've been thinking about lately is that some of the hardest boundaries we'll ever set aren't with other people. They're with ourselves. The boundary that says, I'm not checking my email tonight. I'm not answering that message right now. I'm going to bed instead of scrolling. I'm not abandoning my own values just because everyone else is doing something different. I'm going to stop speaking to myself in that way. I'm going to keep the promise I made to myself. Those boundaries are invisible. No one applauds them. No one even knows they happened. But they quietly shape the person that we're becoming. So today, I want to explore why boundaries feel so uncomfortable, why guilt so often follows them, why why people pleasing can become an identity without us even realizing it. And why protecting your peace isn't selfish. So they do feel um, they feel very, very hard. And I think a lot of that comes from that we want to be so many things to so many different people. And that's why if you hear me talk about the nourish pillar, um so much of that is like when we are feeling depleted. That's when we nourish because we are giving far too much of ourselves and we're supposed to be giving overflow of our cup, not depleting our own cup. And I think a lot of times why we avoid saying no um is because we've we kind of almost anticipate the disappointment on the other person. We don't want to make them upset. And even if people are comfortable with confrontation or boundaries, like I said, it's it's never easy when you have that thought in your head, that fear of disappear disappointing people or of conflict or of rejection or even of being misunderstood, right? We we don't want to be portrayed as somebody who never comes out of their house or does anything for anybody else, and and we don't want to be portrayed as lazy or as selfish, and it's very quick how your mind can take something at like a very healthy boundary and make it feel like you just said the worst thing ever to that person. And I really do think that comes from like generations of people pleasers and and thinking that, you know, let's even just think about when you have a commitment to something. Like you have like me back in when I was drinking, I was blowing off those commitments all the time. But then what happened when I got sober is I pushed myself so far because I was overcompensating for the fact that I, you know, didn't show up to my commitments before. So now, no matter what is going on in my life or how I'm feeling, or if I'm sick, or or something else comes up that I have to attend to, I feel this like it's like this debilitating guilt or fear that they're thinking I'm slipping back into my old habit habits or my unhealed self. Um so I wouldn't set those boundaries. But what would end up happening is eventually I do crack, right? I do break. And maybe it was on something that was even more important that I should have been at, um, or that I that I really wanted to be at, but I pushed myself so far that that it was no longer possible. My body, it it forced itself into rest. Um, so that's another reason I think why boundaries are so hard, but also so necessary. And then there's our our need to, you know, wanting to be liked. Or one of my favorites, wanting to keep the peace. How many of you think I don't want to piss them off, I don't want to rock the boat, I'm afraid of, you know, their their reaction. Um, and especially, especially, and we will talk about this in far more detail too as this podcast continues. But when you're dealing with somebody who's a narcissist or they have narcissistic tendencies, um, boundaries are so important, but they can be so, so very hard because you have that fear of the reaction or the retaliation. And those are the individuals that boundaries are the most important with. But again, like I said, they're also the hardest because people who are narcissistic or have narcissistic tendencies, they do not care about your boundaries. They don't care. Um, and and how to work through that, like I said, is a conversation for a whole other whole other podcast. Um, but it's all about removing the their power, and their power is your reaction. So as you can see, we get stuck in this kind of vicious cycle that that if we, you know, if we don't learn and we don't get the strength to set these boundaries, how we can be stuck there. Um and of course, like when you first start setting them, it feels really selfish at first, like really, really selfish, because it it the discomfort doesn't mean that you're doing something wrong, first of all. And and when you feel that discomfort and you feel like you're being selfish, or you're not being a good friend, or a good daughter, or a good son, or a good brother, or a good dad, or you know, whatever that is that it looks like, um, it's not selfish. And some of it that I have experienced um in my life is is going through sobriety and especially early sobriety, right? Um you you might have, if you're familiar with AA or people in AA, you could have heard that like, you know, it's it's a selfish program. But it's not, but it can be. Um, like anything we talk about, there's a there's a really uh such a strong need for balance and that fine line, right? Because are you using it as a crutch? Are you setting boundaries everywhere so you never have to leave and you can talk the way you want to talk and you don't have to think about any other people's um, you know, feelings or emotions? Are you doing this to get out of doing the hard work of healing and this transformation journey? So those are things that you need to look at because it can become selfish, but we're going to be for this episode, we're gonna keep it um that it's not, you're not abusing the boundaries, you're putting the the correct amount of boundaries for the right amount of protection um without using that as an escape. And if you haven't gotten um really the the central theme in this is that everything can be abused. We're humans, it's in our nature. Um, some of us that has gone into substances or gambling or shopping or overworking or overeating. Um and some of that can, you know, you're using boundaries as an escape to never really have to go through anything stressful or um or hard, really, like healing itself. Now I'll I'll say something here that I'm going to be very careful about the words that I choose. Because there is one word, and and I'll again it this isn't really the point of this episode, but I feel I'm feeling the need to just talk about this for a minute, where people who abuse boundaries, not in the sense of the people who are setting them, um, you know, they're they're being set against them, I guess you could say in a way, but people who use boundaries everywhere to try and control people or try to not do the inner work on themselves or um anything like that. So the word that I have a really, really hard time with, um, and not if it was used, I don't want to say properly, because who am I to say when you can or can't use it? Um, but a word that I feel is being significantly overused um in our culture lately, say the last couple years and and now, is trigger. Because to me, trigger is teacher. Like when you know that there's a trigger and a genuine trigger, um, that is information to know, okay, this is something that still has power over me. And when you're working through that trigger, work with professionals, work with people who care about you, work with your support system. Because moving through a trigger is very difficult. But again, boundaries and triggers can kind of come in at the same place if they're being abused. Um, somebody could be triggered by everything, and and you know, that's just not real life. Like you can't, you you have to be able to accept life on life's terms. Um, so it's it's changing your reaction to it. And it's also when you overuse the word trigger, or that's how you control people to act around you, um, you're you're really putting the work that you need to do inside onto somebody else. And there's certain situations um, you know, coming onto the healthy side of this that that is so triggering. Um definitely get with your your mental health professionals or your friends and your family and understand is it necessary for me to work through this? Because I had an experience where I um was going onto the Worcester State campus and we took a wrong turn, and it was already hard enough to go to this campus. And I didn't realize at the time that it was going to be tricky because it's where um my old friend used to go to school, and it was all like a lot of my dark drinking years um in my late teens and early 20s. So, and it was the first time I'd been back since. So it was, it was, it was hard. Um, but then we got up towards the dorms, which was further away than we needed to be. And I realized very quickly, I I'm I'm never, you know, today, I don't know if never, but today was not the day that I needed to work through that trigger that badly. And it was too big of a trigger um for me to feel comfortable working through myself. So those are moments where boundaries and and triggers both can be, you know, used healthy in a way that protects us in a way that we need and is for the better of the other people around us. But just be careful because we can also start to abuse even just the word or the act um of boundaries itself. Um so let's really dive in now to people pleasing as a whole, because people pleasing is not kindness. Let me repeat that for the people in the back. People pleasing is not kindness. People pleasing is you doing or saying or acting the way that you want or the way that you think other people want you to be. Um, and genuine kindness is something that you're doing. You're not changing your character, you're not changing your boundaries that you've set for yourself. You're not this moral compass inside of you hasn't changed. And you are doing something for other people, um, truly out of the kindness of your heart, but it's not depleting you. It's not, I know it's hard to hard to explain because people pleasing that's approval seeking, right? Like you are looking, like, look at how many things I did this week, and I did this for all these other people, and um, you know, I'm exhausted and I haven't eaten and I'm and I'm beat up. And like that's that's people pleasing. Because even with the good, and I've been there, like I said, I am very guilty. I have to keep my people pleasing in check, uh, just like I do my alcoholism and my codependency, um, and lying, like everything that comes around with those um qualities that don't bring out the best in me. And so try to understand in your own life where you see yourself being having, you know, genuine kindness or where are you people pleasing? And I think after I post this episode, um, I'm gonna help try and figure out how you can tell the difference, right? Because again, everything that's why healing is so complicated, if you haven't noticed. It's a lot of this fine line, it's a lot of the balance of of all the things, which is exhausting at times and can feel very much like a maze at times. Um, but we talk a lot about our own identity. You know, I talked about how even in my past, how being the party girl really became part of my identity, and that's not really anything that I wanted to be, that I aspired to be. It's just kind of where I ended up, so nobody could really see closer. Um, but part of that identity can be built around helping, um, being the person, you know, that that feels they need to fix everything and wanting everybody to be okay. But it most of the time comes by very much overextending yourself. Um, and then and then through that, you almost can become responsible or feel that you you are responsible for everyone else's emotions. And that is leads to emotional exhaustion, which again, we we talk about so many times the oxygen mask, you know, um reference, that if you are emotionally exhausted, that's some of the some of the most exhausted, you know, the the the hardest type of exhaustion to get through. Um, so just remember that people pleasing is not kindness. Um, it's you're you're almost taking from yourself and you're giving it to the other person. Whereas genuine kindness, I know I was gonna say that I was gonna put this together, but it kind of just came to me that genuine kindness is is that you have that overflow and you can do stuff for for other people, whether it be people that you know or or strangers altogether. Um but when you and think about as we stay in this people-pleasing topic, but think about why saying yes too often becomes dishonest. I can think of multiple times, and I'm trying to think of while I've been on my healing journey where I had to start canceling a lot, and it was because I was overcommitting, right? That people-pleasing ways I was saying, yes, I will help you move. Yes, I will help you build your website, yes, I will help plan a party for you, yes, I will help you redo your resume, all these things that I kept saying yes to, but then I couldn't deliver. So the person on the other side was expecting and now planning on that help coming, but then I would have to bail. Or I would show up and I would be so scattered, right? Because I had so much going on in my brain, I was thinking about Ben and Susie and Jared and all these different people that I said that I was gonna help. So I'm thinking about their project and that project and that party, and I'm not a hundred percent present with the person that I'm saying that I'm helping. So we want to think about what does healthy generosity actually look like? And I think that's you know, what we talked about at the beginning of this that when you're taking from your own self to give to others, that's not healthy generosity. You know, if you're donating to a charity when your bills aren't paid, that's people pleasing. And I've been there, I've gone to charity events, and because I needed, you know, it's all ego, uh, because I I wanted to, you know, have my name up on the board that I donated, or I didn't want to tell the people that I was with that I didn't have enough money to, I pulled it from my own bills. And and now what? Now I've got late fees, and and it's just a lot of times the people pleasing is that we so we can create um this image that doesn't really exist. Um, because if we were truly doing the things out of out of that genuine kindness, we wouldn't be taking from ourselves. And speaking of ourselves, that's where I'll get to the next section here boundaries with yourself. I think that I've read a lot and researched a lot about boundaries with others and how to set them and how to maintain them and understanding why they're so difficult. But I have always found and still find hard today is boundaries with yourself. Um, think of how many promises you made, right? How many promises do we break with ourselves? Staying up too late. Doom scrolling, overworking, ignoring your body, breaking routines that help you, like all of it, saying, I'll start tomorrow. How many of us have done that? I'm still doing it, like I said. I am 40 years old, and my body is changing. And I'm not gonna go into the details of how it's changing, but any woman who is 40 years old, they can start to piece it together. And the weight is starting to come on a little bit, right? My hormones are are changing. So I'm not maintaining the same body size. And I will say that after I gave up drinking, I did lose um a lot of weight now, you know, naturally, it just started sliding off, and and it comes to find out that I actually have a very high metabolism. Um, and I will reluctantly say that for the last, you know, three years, I haven't really had to work out. And and that's not good because just because I'm not gaining weight doesn't mean that I shouldn't be taking care of my body and trying to stay strong and and keeping my mobility up and getting better. Um, so for me, I've been saying for the last month now, I'm gonna start tomorrow. I've even written down, right? I've written down the workouts that I'm gonna do five days a week. Have I done them? No. Nope. Because those boundaries with myself need to get stronger because it's self-discipline through self-respect. I want to look back at this decade in particular, 40 to 50. I can't believe I even just said 50. That sounds scary. Um, but I want to look back at this decade and be like, I was in the prime of my life. That was in the best shape. And, you know, of course, I would love that to continue on past 50, 60, 70. Um, but I want to have enough self-respect for myself now to be able to do it so I can feel that good and then not have the guilt or um, you know, the oh darn, I wish I did it when I was 40. And how long am I gonna wait to be able to start these habits? Um, because I have to start having integrity with myself, right? I've I've done a lot of changes since I've built ThriveWell. I've done even more changes since I opened ThriveWell because, like I talked about in previous podcasts and on my um in my on my blog letters from the founder on my website, I was talking the talk. I wasn't walking the walk, and that had really caught up with me. And I really needed to make sure that I was starting to look at myself and these habits that I wanted to create as time was just ticking by because I wanted to become somebody that I can trust. When I say I'm going to stop doing something at a certain point or start doing something at a certain point, I want to have enough boundaries with myself that no matter how I'm feeling, I'm I trust that if I can't do it, there's a good enough reason why I can't. But if there isn't, then I'm gonna follow through and I'm gonna keep that boundary with myself, not to just ignore the habits or um or the person that I'm I'm becoming. But and with all that, having these boundaries with yourself and it helps you become the better version of yourself, um, and continue to become that. But it helps you understand as well, like we talked about, but I think it needs more focus, is you are not responsible for everyone's emotions. And man, oh man, I don't know if you can relate to that statement, but I did for sure. Everywhere I was, and still, are they okay? Are they happy? Are they upset? Are they having a good time? Who's fighting? And like I was getting into everybody else's shit, and I was getting into everybody else's emotions and how this person was making that person feel, and and all that that does is the amount of guilt I would feel. Like, how am I how am I supposed to be this responsible for everyone's emotions? Like, I know I'm capable, I do do know that, and I know I'm talented, but I'm not that talented. Because when you're carrying that much emotional responsibility, the anxiety that that brings. And and also, and I'll just speak for myself, but who on earth do I think I am to be able to do that? Because I want to be somebody that compliments another person, right? Compliments their emotion, not be responsible for it. It's not my job to fix everyone. It's also not my job to rescue everyone. And and when we take on problems that aren't ours, um, and I will say first and foremost, I love what I do, I love having Thrive Well, I love having this podcast, but I interact and encounter other people's problems all the time. But it's my job, and and I will be honest with you, when people come in here and I start to hear a problem. I'm I'm present, I'm listening, but my mantra in my head that is going is it is not your job to fix them. It is your job to listen. Listen not to fix. That's what I repeat to myself. Listen not to fix, listen not to fix. Because people want to feel seen and feel heard, and if they are open to advice, you can give them that if you've had experience in it, but it's not for you to take on, you know, if that person in your life, whether it be a coworker or a friend or a family member or a partner that keeps calling you, keeps calling you, keeps coming up to you, saying, you know, I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. And then you also, on top of that, see that they haven't set a single boundary. It's like, well, now you don't want to do the uncomfortable work of setting that boundary. You definitely don't want to do the work of maintaining that boundary. But more so than that, you don't even want to deal with it. You like you just want me to take that on. But I don't have the ability to fix it. So how is that helping anyone? And it's so important. And this is everything I'm saying in this podcast, like, I'm gonna re-listen to this and be like, yep, gotta remember that, gotta remember that. Because it we we need to make sure that we're letting people have their own journey. And I promise people are very capable and they're very adaptable. So, and and if and if we don't, right, if we we continue to take on their problems and we don't let them have their own journey, to be perfectly honest with you, what you're doing is enabling. You're enabling their behavior, you're enabling them to not have to get stronger or work on themselves. And and how good is that? You know, what how are we helping them there? And the answer is you're not. But what we want to do is learn how to have compassion without control. Like I said, listen, not fix. That's how you have compassion. Some of my most compassionate moments, whether it be somebody saying it to me or me saying it to others, is when I just say, that really sucks. I'm really sorry you're going through that. And that's it. You just hold space for them because we can't control what's happening to them. And we certainly can't control who, you know, what they're doing, and definitely can't control what the other people are doing to them. Because it we have to understand that it is possible to love people without losing yourself. Um, and that is the emotional maturity of all of it. And I think where this is probably the hardest, I'm not personally um uh a parent myself directly. And I can only imagine in these moments, you know, when when I was really emotional and unhealthy and drinking, or even now at times, like there's times I call my parents and and things are really, really hard, right? Because they're tough. And I went ahead and started a business that what I what I'm selling people is a feeling, which is really, really hard in a digital world when you need them to experience it in person. And my parents do a really good job of helping me find a solution if there is one, but also just saying, Kel, I'm really sorry that you're having a hard day. Um, tomorrow's a new day. And they don't try to lose themselves, right? They're retired, they're supposed to be resting and and enjoying the sunsets of the the world and and not in the new business owner trench with me, right? And and that's where it's hard because and as parents or or just anybody who cares about a person, you you feel like you need to get in that trench, but then we're both just in the trench and there's no ladder out, right? Like, so that doesn't help really anybody. It may help it in temporarily at the time, um, but certainly not permanently or uh long term. So how do we do this, right? How do we protect ourselves? And I will say that this brings us to um the protect pillar. So for those who are just joining or haven't learned much about the thrival core philosophy, if you haven't, I know it's a really long episode, but try and listen to episode two. Um, but we have in the thrival core philosophy, there are five pillars of return. You have ground, cleanse, protect, nourish, and align. And it is the, you know, whether it's the tools or ideas or workshops or books you're reading, whatever that is, that helps you in the season of your life. And the one we're gonna focus on for this is the protect pillar. And what the protect pillar does is it really helps you understand. Yes, there are tools that we can get as reminders of the strength that we have within ourselves. Um, and we can read books to understand how to set boundaries, um, and do different practices on how to how to regulate our nervous system so that we can, you know, we don't feel so flighty when we are protecting ourselves and and protecting our own becoming. Because what we're talking about is protecting your peace, protecting your attention, protecting your energy, like I said, your nervous system, and some of the most important ones protecting your creativity, protecting your relationships, and protecting your future self. Because for me, the boundaries as stewardship and and to understand that it's to help you, you know, steward these relationships in your life, but also for people to do that for yourself. It's like a map, right? Like the the archetype pathways, they're they're the map, but so are boundaries. It's it helps people understand um how to be there and be your friend and be your relative or whatever that relationship is, um, the best way they can that works for both of you. And the more that you have this communication and understanding, it's like magic that that suddenly you're fighting less and you're understanding each other more and you're listening better, and so much can change because at the end of the day, what protection is allowing is growth. You're allowing yourself when you put these boundaries up, and when you really focus on the protect pillar and how that can help you, is feeling like you are okay to be your true self, and you don't have to feel bad about that. But what happens, right, if you're really focusing on the protect pillar and and the tools and and the um habits that we can do that that help practice the the protect pillar itself, um, what happens when people don't like your boundaries? For me, like I said, what I don't I don't know if I said it in this episode or in another one, but for me, not only is a boundary a map to me and a relationship between me and another person, the boundaries are an instant tell. They are an instant tell of who is in your corner and who is not. Pay attention to that, pay attention to resistance from others. Look at how many people have come accustomed to the old version of you, because boundaries they reveal the relationship dynamics, but you can't control people's reactions, so that is where when you see their reaction, right? And the goal is that hopefully people respect her boundaries, because like we said, we're not abusing them, we're setting proper boundaries. Um, is that when they react poorly, right? Like we talked about that that reaction that we're waiting for, or they're saying that we're selfish, or you know, that we're not a good friend or good family member. Um, and I've kind of lost my train of thought here for a minute. Hold on, because I looked out the window. You have to maintain them. There we go. Sorry, saw something shiny. Um, that is that is where you need to maintain them the most because again, it's a pattern, and people will know, especially the people who want to disrespect those boundaries, they will learn Kelly broke on it here, she broke on it here. These boundaries aren't anything to take serious. Um, she says them, but she never actually holds them. Um, so you can't control those reactions, but that's when it's most important to maintain them. And you have to, not that you have to, I don't really like using that language, but you being okay with being misunderstood and and staying compassionate without backing down, right? Doesn't mean if somebody just respects our boundaries, now we're changing our character and taking the low road, right? And and we're certainly not taking the high road because we want to have boundaries. And like I said, it's always a good spot, right in the middle. Don't go low. Um, when you're with when you're not backing down and and you start yelling at them and name calling or you know, whatever. Don't do that. But don't just let it roll off your back. Take that middle road, middle road, middle road, middle road. I'm gonna say it until the end of time. Um, because really what we want to do is we want to be respecting others while respecting ourselves. The people in our life, they still matter, right? And and this is like I said, the people who continually shit on your boundaries, they're not even in your corner, so we're not even talking about them. Um, and with that, you we really want to work on letting go of needing everyone's approval and needing them to approve. And this is something that I still struggle with. Um, when I don't have somebody's approval, I am physically uncomfortable, I am mentally and emotionally uncomfortable, and it's gonna be like that for a long time. But I will keep working on it, keep working on these boundaries and being okay with not being everybody's cup of tea and not having everybody's approval. And I think what's hard too is that when I say like sometimes you're not everybody's cup of tea, well, I'm okay with that with strangers. But when I don't have a sense of approval for somebody who is in my life and who I care about, that rocks me, man. It rocks me bad. And and that's something, like I said, I I know where certain things have power over me, and and I will fully admit that is something I'm still actively working on. And that's why I do different practices and different use different tools and read different books to help me understand letting go. You know, we have our our book club meeting tomorrow, and and we were reading a book titled Letting Go, because I know out of all the pillars, um um um, I would say the the pillar that I need the most work on is um cleanse, letting go, letting go of those resentments, letting go of the need for everybody's approval. Um, but I know cleanse and protect go so hand in hand. So I just keep practicing the boundaries and keep practicing letting go and keep practicing that release, that cleanse. Um because when we really think about it, what are we saying yes to? Because every yes is also a no, it's just a no to something else, right? Like if you had plans for yourself, or you were like, I'm gonna go home and read a book and be nice and cozy, and then somebody's like, Oh my gosh, I need a ride to the airport, and you really, really needed that night of coziness and reading. So saying yes to them is saying no to you. Time, energy, and attention, they're all finite, and we need to start choosing more intentionally. Really think about the plans that you're committing to. Again, don't say yes just because you want to make those people happy. Really look at your schedule, really think about yourself. And what I've started to do now is not only just looking at my schedule and seeing, do I have that day free? Whatever it is that somebody's asking of you, what am I doing the few days before? And what am I doing the few days after? Right? Like, am I starting a new job? Am I just coming back from vacation and I know I'm gonna want to do laundry and and make sure that I'm fully unpacked? Um, look at your look at your calendar around that date, in addition to the date itself. And then you want to start to think, what it what you're saying yes to, does this align with my values? Does this move me toward the life you're building? And it doesn't mean that when you're when you're looking at, you know, what you're saying yes to is that now, you know, you can't do anything for anybody else, and everything is about what what is aligned with your values and what you're building in your life? That's overthinking it. Because when you are uh when you keep those two questions at the forefront of everything, and you should, I know I don't like that word, but like it would be in your best interest to ask yourself with every big decision or plans that you're making, does this align with my values and does this move me toward the life that I want to build? Because everything else we're talking about, being there for other people and helping other people and setting boundaries with ourselves, those will all start to happen naturally with those two questions. Because if we start living on purpose instead of by default, it's not even gonna have to become a conscious choice that we make. Because, and kind of tying this into the last episode, boundaries create freedom. Do you know that when I tell somebody right up front, I get the invite in the mail or in my inbox or my text message, wherever it's coming through, and I'm like, that would be way too much that week. I'm looking at my calendar. I really want to go. I really want to go, but I've already got all these other commitments. Um, and so I have to say, unfortunately, as much as I would love to be there, I just can't make it work. I've got too much going on that week. And now you can walk away with the freedom of not having guilt, right? Not making false promises or false expectations, not canceling last minute and seeing all those pictures being so posted on social media and feeling bad. Boundaries create freedom. And I think at this point, because I try to keep an eye on the time and I try to be conscious of your own time as well and not have these go too long. Um, I think I want you to sit with all of that so far. So let's kind of try and look at it. Um, with all these, the deeper realization, you know, this part of the podcast. Is really um where I I really love to think about what I've what I've said if I can remember because sometimes I ramble and I don't even know what I'm saying. Um but let's think about boundaries, let's think about what they are and what they're not, right? Boundaries are not punishment, they are not rejection, but what they are boundaries are clarity, boundaries create safety, boundaries create trust, boundaries protect your growth. They you teach people how to love you. Remember the map, and you teach yourself how to love yourself, and protecting your peace allows you to give from abundance instead of depletion. Remember, people pleasing versus genuine kindness. Am I taking something out of my cup to give it to somebody else? Or am I catching that overflow and giving it to somebody else? Because boundaries really, when you think about it, are an act of love. And when we are healing and we're having growth and we're transforming and we're having change, that requires protection. And remember, you do not have to earn your peace, and you do not have to explain every boundary, you don't have to defend yourself. And when you find yourself getting into that defensive um mentality, check it. Why are you becoming so defensive? Because a lot of times it's because somebody is not respecting that boundary. Um, and honestly, let your actions reflect your values, um, and keep the promises you make to yourself. That's a big one, a really, really big one. And become somebody that not only others can trust, but that you can trust. And most of all, protect what you are becoming. Because a boundary isn't a wall that you build to keep people out. It's a promise you make to protect what's growing within you. And some people will understand it and some people won't. But not everyone has to understand your boundaries for them to be healthy. Because every time you honor your values, keep a promise to yourself, or choose peace over people pleasing. You're casting a vote for the person you're becoming. And that person deserves to be protected. Well, that's it for this week's episode. And again, I just want to thank you all so, so much um for listening and just really believing in this podcast. And and I hope that it helps and that our topics aren't kind of all over the place. Again, that I'm really working on my own boundaries with myself and not going on this ramble at the end. So I'm gonna cut it off there and just say if you can help share this podcast with anybody that you think it can help, um, and you know, you know, rate, review our podcast on wherever you listen to them. It'll be really, really helpful. And I just really enjoy doing this, and I'm really proud of myself for showing up 10 weeks in a row. This feels um like that happened very quickly. But um, until next Friday, which we will be talking about how the body remembers everything. So until then, happy Friday, and I'll see you next week.